Secret Santa - House Fic with no title!

[notcalledlizzie]

"This isn't your office," said Wilson.

"What gave it away?" asked House. "The name Dr. Irina Kulis on the door? The childish scribblings with "I love you, Mommy?" on the wall? Or could it be the very fetching shade of pink that coats said walls? Lovely color, but not really me, I don't think."

"I'm obviously missing something," said Wilson slowly, glancing down at his watch. "You've invaded someone else's office and its three fifteen and you're not glued to the television set."

"I've decided that I don't need it when I have Polish doctors going into labor, subordinates doing daredevil stunts, lesbian affairs, dancing circus midgets and nurses acting out scenes from Showgirls in this very hospital," declared House, leaning back in his chair.

Wilson just stared.

"Okay, so I was lying about the dancing circus midgets and the scenes from Showgirls," admitted House. "But I'm also about to make a hundred bucks and all I had to do was sit here."

"And how are you making this one hundred dollars?"

House was saved having to answer as first Chase, and then Foreman tumbled in through the open window; Chase smacking his head against a plant.

Wilson was just staring again.

House held out his hand and both of the younger doctors pulled out their wallets and each handed across $50.

"As you should have learned by now," said House, stuffing the bills into his pocket before grabbing his cane and pushing himself up. "Is that I never leap to conclusions."

"I'm clearly missing a lot," muttered Wilson.

"You always are," said House, patting him firmly on the back. "We're all used to that by now."

"No, seriously," said Wilson, following House down the hallway all the way back to the usual meeting room.

"Don't you have work to be doing?" demanded House.

"My next appointment's not until four," said Wilson. "Seriously. Why did you have Chase and Foreman climb out of a second-story window? And weren't you in the slightest bit concerned about them being out there? What if they had fallen?"

"I didn't have them do anything," said House. "I merely gave them some information that they wished to verify, and the only way of doing so was by doing what they did. And they asked the same question. I told them that if they did fall then there was a handy bed of Ribes alpinum beneath them so they should fall into that and that if they were injured, then at least they were in the right place to get help."

Wilson just groaned and sank into a chair. "I'm sure they were very reassured by your comfort there," he said. "And you've still not answered what was so important that they risked falling however many feet just to see if you were right."

"Do you know whose office is next to Dr. Kulis'?"

Wilson was very definitely confused. "Of course, it's Dr. Cuddy's. But this still isn't an explanation..."

House held up his hand for silence. "While Cuddy is always very careful at drawing the blinds looking out into the hallway, one can be assured that her caution does not extend to her window. After all, apart from a few nosy birds, who else could see into it?"

"And why is she exercising so much caution?"

"As you might have noticed – or perhaps, you didn't – I'm missing one of my ever faithful disciples," said House. "It doesn't take an oncologist to work that out."

Wilson was definitely doing a lot of staring today. "You're not saying..."

"Actually I'm not. But I am heavily insinuating and Chase and Foreman can most definitely confirm once they cool off," said House, throwing back a handful of pills.

"So Cuddy and Cameron..."

House nodded, his hands performing some sort of gesture that looked very obscene and Wilson lowered his eyes quickly.

"I'm not sure if I wanted to know that," said Wilson quietly.

"You're the one who kept pushing for the answer," pointed out House unrepentantly.

"I know," groaned Wilson.

The door was pushed open and both Wilson and House glanced across to see Cameron enter, a very subdued Chase and Foreman following close behind her.

Wilson was sure there was a little more color in her cheeks than usual as she tucked an errant strand of hair back behind her ear and looked across at House.

"Dr. Cuddy says that she's just coming..."